Don’t feel bad if you picked the latter answer to most of those questions. It doesn’t mean they aren’t wonderful people and won’t make fantastic grandparents (or aunts or uncles, actual or honorary). It just means that they may not be ideally suited to this very specific situation with new parents and a brand new baby.

Trust your instincts: if it’s been rocky before, now is not the time to correct that  or forge into new territory. Go easy on yourself.

Step 2: Put those personalities on the calendar.  

The birth. Most out of-town guests won’t try to come for the birth itself because it’s so private and, logistically, it’s a hard target to hit. If, however, you want your mom or best friend there for the big day, great, but definitely have a back-up support plan: your baby might arrive a month early or ten days late.

Have a doula on retainer just in case you go into labor early. Or – simpler – mentally prepare a little that you and your partner might be relying on each other and the nursing staff (which will be fine).

If guests come early but Baby is late, you may spend the last, most uncomfortable weeks of your pregnancy dawdling with your mom, which, from what I hear, can be, um, challenging. Early arrival may also mean they can’t stay as long when little Uli finally does make his appearance.

My two cents: it’s easiest to have them book tickets for a week or two post-due date. Keep it simple, especially for yourself, especially at that stage of pregnancy.

Your partner going back to work. If you have helpful guests in mind, this can be a great time to have them come to town. You’ll have had a chance to bond with the baby and get your feet under you as a parent and may be ready to be more hospitable than you were a few weeks ago. And you can use a home-cooked meal or a nap as you move into the new phase of maternity leave.

If you’ve been looking for a way to defer some less than helpful (but still obligatory) guests for a few weeks, this transition can be a great excuse + make them feel useful: “When Leonard heads back to the office, I could really use a hand. Would you mind very much coming then instead?”

Later during maternity leave. Don’t feel bad about declining Aunt Myrtle’s offer to come to town from Phoenix and bring her crystals to cleanse the baby’s aura. This is your time with your baby and a big adjustment in your life. Of course, yes, you should still endeavor to be polite, but you do not have to accept every offer to come and help (especially if you don’t actually think it will be helpful!) Take a breath and be firm.

You going back to work (if applicable). This can be a complicated adjustment, even when it goes smoothly, and guests are probably not a great idea – unless, of course, they’re providing a few weeks of transitional care so you can go back to your job and then navigate the shift to day care or a nanny a little later, in which case, hooray!

Weekends and holidays for the next 18 years. You will see everyone important sometime soon! Again: do not feel obliged to have everyone out to visit right away. There is plenty of time and your baby will still be adorable (and a lot more responsive to tickling and snuggling) in a few months.

Step 3: Communicate, preferably over email.

 Be brief, be tactful and be clear. And put it in writing. I get talked into all kinds of things over the phone.

“We would love to see you the week of July 8^th. Tommy will be three weeks old (!),  and an extra set of hands to help me clean the apartment/cook/install central air conditioning/(some other tactful and specific indication of what you would like them to help with) would be so welcome. Do you think you can make it then?”

“My maternity leave is already booking up! We would love to see you but can I get back to you about when that might work? I’m looking forward to catching up over Thanksgiving if not sooner!”

Step 4: Sit back and relax.

See? That wasn’t so bad. And now you’re done. (Except for the follow-up emails to Aunt Myrtle. And the calls  from your mom because she can’t believe you asked her to stay at the Hilton. And the note from your dad about how upset your mother is. Don’t worry: as soon as they see the baby, all will be forgotten.)